This post and the few to follow are from March 2014. I visited my brother and sister to take care of Doug while Melissa continued to work. This is when I started writing.

I wanted to document memories. I never published them. I was too afraid of people seeing my heart. How I have been affected by this journey. Heartache. Pain. Suffering. Cancer. Death. More importantly I wanted to share with you what a great man of God Doug was. How I am learning about faith through Doug's life and testimony. Giving up control and letting God be in control. I want you to know how much I loved this boy and how life will never be the same.

I am blessed! So fortunate! I get to spend time with you this week. I am excited to see what this week holds for us.

I was so tired this morning!  I'm sure it was because I was alone last week. I'm still trying to adjust to life without Osa. It could be because I had an early flight yesterday but nonetheless, I am here. A week I have waited for with anticipation.

You slept a lot this morning. I couldn't take my eyes off of you.  I took you in. Your breathing. The way you sleep in awkward ways, having your arms in the air above your head. I'm watching you and remembering things about us. Realizing how much I love you. Watching you struggle to do easy tasks. Everyday tasks. You can't sit up by yourself, you can't get up and walk, you can't go to the restroom, you can't shower. You can't do any of that for yourself. I watch you get frustrated. I am so glad to be here to help you with whatever you need.

Because you get frustrated, you and I have a pact. We will be patient with each other. I will do whatever you need but I won't push you to do anything until you are ready. If getting you in a seated position takes an hour than that is what is takes. It's you and me little brother.

After you woke up from this mornings nap we had a nice conversation. Precious times. You had me go to your closet and get a rifle that you built. You could hardly hold it (it is very heavy) and you talked to me for an hour about how you built it and milled it out. It was something that was meaningful to you, time and money invested and you realized that you probably won't ever be able to use it again. It was difficult to hear those words and I know it was even more difficult for you to verbalize this truth but this is what life looks like right now. Our priorities have changed and your life is the most important. More important than possessions.

I think the demonstration of how the rifle works and trying to hold it (needing help) took so much out of you. You have been asleep most of the afternoon. I look at you and your frail body. I wish I could take it away. I wish God would heal you!!

Today is my birthday. Being here with you is the greatest gift. As a young child I always wanted to make sure you were cared for, that's what big sisters do. So I am grateful that I get to take care of you this week.

You are a beautiful sight, Doug! I love you with all my heart!