Come to Me

Thank you Marty for your words of encouragement and for reminding me of the song Come to Me by Jenn Johnson. I've heard it many of times before. It's in my "worship" playlist. So powerful! Yesterday Melissa asked if I could put text on a picture for her. She wanted to post it to Doug's Facebook wall. It was a verse to this song.

Coincidence?

I think not.

God you are so good to us. This is the hardest experience our family has ever faced. It's not right. A parent should not have to lose a child. A wife, her husband. A sister, her brother. God's ways are not our ways. It's figuring out how to deal with the loss. I pray that our faith will be strengthened. That God will show up and walk us through the valley.

So we wait on the Lord and our prayer is still peace.

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm everything
Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you, I'm your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything
Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything

Don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved ooh
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to Me, come to Me, cause I'm all that you need

Bethel Music- “Come to Me” featuring Jenn Johnson

Water of Life

It's amazing how everything has changed so drastically in just a few weeks. I sit here and watch. I am disturbed. Sickened. Heart broken. This disease is debilitating, life changing and life taking.

I heard him say today that the glass of water sitting by his bed looked so good. He wondered why he couldn't drink and swallow anymore. Think about it...swallow. How easy was that?

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I'm trying to keep it together. I don't want to add any concern to his heart. But wow...this is stretching me. I love this boy so much! I know he belongs to Jesus. I don't want him to suffer with this excruciating pain but I'm also not ready for God's plan to come to fruition. We pray for peace.

John's reminder that Jesus is our thirst quencher.

photo credit: laura dake

Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst-not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life. -John 4:14

...even there

Tonight it's my honor to take care of my little brother. He wants someone to stay with him all the time. He is comforted to know when he cries out in the night someone will be there to take care of his needs.

He sleeps. So much pain. So fragile. So skinny. Every movement, an extreme amount of effort. I don't want to fall asleep because I want to watch him sleep. Hear him breathe. 

This week I have been learning not to take life for granted. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. Life is precious. A gift.

We have no other choice but to trust God and have faith. He knows and we believe because He is God. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

My heart.

Shattered in pieces.

I heard Ellen Degeneres tell someone, "When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in, it lets the sun in." I want to be strong. I want the light of His glory to shine through the cracks and brokenness. I want to be at peace that God has plans for Doug that are different than my plans.

God, I pray for peace. I pray for a heart that will be soft and pliable. That your love for me will heal the cracks and brokenness. Your hand will guide me. Your spirit will fill me.

artist: lynn smith     photo credit: laura dake

If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. (Psalms 139:10 NLT) 

Peace & Calm

Today I sit next to you at home. Laying in a hospital bed. Weak. So frail. Watching you sleep. Breathing. Your request is "peace & calm" for you and for us. I need peace. That's the new word to claim.

Yesterday's devotion from Darlene Zschech, Revealing Jesus was entitled Not Our Home.  The words are raw to my heart. She says, "as Christians, we receive the gift of salvation that is for today but which places in us the promise of heaven and eternal life. That's why we aren't to get too comfortable here. This is not our final home. Our highest aspirations of life are fully realized in heaven."

It is so hard to see you in pain but me being human and selfish doesn't want to let you go. You told me yesterday to not be angry but to have peace. We talked about you seeing Jesus and that you will be perfect.

I love you Doug! More than you will ever know! Words cannot express how much I will miss you that day God is ready for you to come home.

I pray for peace too.

A New Day Is Dawning

Fear can paralyze. Knock you to your knees. Sucker punch you square in the face. Take your breath away.

That's what happened yesterday evening. After a series of events my brother found himself frustrated, an elevated heart rate (170 beats per minute), unable to breathe, and I imagined scared to death. The ambulance came and transported him to Fair Oakes Hospital. They were able to stabilize his breathing (130 beats per minute) although still above normal but stabilized. Chest x-ray, ct scan and other tests were done. Fluids were pumped into him. Since Friday, swallowing has been difficult so he hasn't had much to drink and hasn't been able to take medication. His white blood cell count is high. Not surprising because he hasn't had treatment since January.

I asked my mom why hospice wouldn't give him fluids or a feeding tube but that isn't the job of hospice. They just make you comfortable and try to manage the pain. There is a part of me that thinks this quick decline could've been prevented. That there has to be a different level of treatment between chemo and hospice.

Maybe I'm grasping at straws or trying to blame somebody because I want my brother to live. Maybe God's plan is coming to fruition just the way He planned. I'm having a difficult time trying to understand why God, the loving God, the Healer, the worker of miracles, the God of second chances isn't saving Doug. 

I believe, God, I do. Doug has been brought to you time and time again. You gave him second chances. You give all of us second chances.  He came back to you, chased after you and loves you. Then out of no where...BAM...sucker punch.

I've claimed hope. I've been inked as a reminder but as a friend reminded me today, the greatest of these is LOVE.

Deep in my heart I know Doug will be made perfect when he gets to meet Jesus face to face. He won't be in pain and he will have his beautiful infectious smile on his face. But for those of us who love him here on earth are left with a deep void. God, help me see you in all of it. Help my heart so that it doesn't become hardened. Keep it tender.

So, today we wake up. Today is a gift. I can only live for today.  

The transMission song, All Things New, is playing in my head. It's amazing how much the music and lyric can speak truth and cause your heart to be stirred. Thank you to my friends that have the ability to hear God's voice and produce melodies.

photo credit: lauradake

All Things New
Words & Music by Phil Laeger
Arranged by Marty Mikles

In early twilight when the day is breaking, edging out the night

My song will rise to You, my life will sing Your praise and breathe Your light

Your perfect love is like this radiance that warms the day anew

And I will join with all creation, singing, "Glory, God to You"

Your mercy and compassion

They are new every morning; a new day is dawning

Your faithfulness and Your tenderness

They are drawing me to You

And You are making all things

Your mercy and compassion

From time eternal Lord Your spoken Word brings everything to life

Your Spirit hovers over chaos, separating dark from light

While we were dead in sin, Your Shepherd voice was calling us apart

You shine the knowledge of the glory of Your Son into our hearts

Shine Your Son into our hearts